As a parent of adult children, I can certainly look back and see where I fell short and made mistakes. Raising children to become healthy, adjusted, productive adults is a huge task and one that no one gets right all the time. It can be a “2 steps forward, 3 steps back” kind of ride, but you keep going.
Mistakes.
As a parent, I made many; we’ve all made them, and we’ll make more in the future. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be as diligent as we can to mitigate them and avoid some of them along the way.
Here are 3 common mistakes parents make and what we can do instead.
(1) Little White Space on the Calendar
The options our children have today are endless. Add to that the busy schedules we keep as parents and there just doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day for prepared meals, down time or family time.
Take a look at your calendar and what do you see? Is one activity bleeding into the next? Is every day and evening got you going somewhere? Do you go to bed exhausted and wake up the same way?
I grew up with a work-at-home mom and a dad with a 9-5 job. We would have dinner around 5:30pm every night then enjoy a leisurely evening. Sports and other activities dotted our week but there just seemed to be a more relaxed vibe at home.
Those days are gone for most families.
Q. What can you do?
- Decide ahead of time what you want for your family; look 6 months out and you’ll see virtually a blank slate on your calendar. Be intentional about what you will add AND what you may need to subtract in order to move towards the family you want. Your children can offer valuable input here too. REMEMBER: the fact that your calendar is virtually blank 6 months out, means you do have some control over what fills it up.
- Give your children choices about the activities they participate in, but limit them. Maybe it’s not dance AND soccer but dance OR soccer. Choices are good, but too many can be stressful and counter productive.
- Ensure your child has unscheduled time. Leave some white space and let them figure out what to do with it.
(2) You Don’t Eat Meals Together on a Regular Basis
This one can be a direct result of the first mistake. The less white space you have the less likely you will be eating many meals together. Sure, we ate meals in a variety of places and not always ideal. I even remember a time we took a break at Canada’s Wonderland and the kids ate in the trunk of the car out in the parking lot…I’m not sure why exactly…I’m guessing they just asked if they could…and yes I did leave the lid up.
But the best meals were around the table at home where we could talk, laugh, look into each others faces and just be with each other. Everyone got a chance to share about their day and we did our best to have fun and not rush through it.
I can’t overstate how valuable meals together can be for your family. The tradition, the routine, the bonding and the safe place to talk and share are priceless…for children and their parents.
Maybe for you it can’t be every night at 5:30pm. Maybe it’s Tuesdays and Thursdays or at the very least every Friday night…but at least it’s every Friday night. Maybe it’s not even dinner but breakfast. What will work for you and your family?
Please don’t underestimate the value of eating together…this is one activity you should do all you can to schedule on a regular basis.
Busy schedules and meal times are things that every family wrestles with. But they are things that you can gain some control over with a few changes. But you have to choose to make them and be intentional to make them happen.
(3) Reversed Roles
Power struggles in relationships have been around since the beginning of time. In Genesis 3, God said to Eve, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.”
At first glance Eve’s relationship with Adam appears messed up because he wants to rule over her, while she still desires him. But these two lines are saying the same thing. She wants to rule over her husband (desire for him) as much as he wants to rule over her. And so relational conflict was born.
This same power struggle is alive and well in parent-child relationships also. The challenge for parents is assuming and maintaining their role as the parent. Our children may act like they want to be in charge and they can be very creative in how they get their way. But allowing them to be in charge is not a good plan for them or for you. Deep down, I believe children want (and need) their parents to have a healthy authority over them.
So what can you do?
- Embrace your role as parent; see it as honourable
- Avoid parenting extremes of authoritarianism (a “my way or the highway” approach) or permissive parenting (leading to indulgence)
- See authoritative as a healthy alternative.
- clear rules and expectations
- nurturing communication
- shared common goals for the family
Yes, every parent makes mistakes…and we’ll keep making them. But we can make less of them. These 3 may be as a good a place to start as any…
little white space
few meals together, and
reversed roles.
Q. What do you think? How are you managing your time? What valuable routines do you prioritize? And how to you foster healthy roles in your relationships?
Feeling stuck? Not sure what to do next? Your life not where you want it to be? Life coaching can help. Contact me for a free 45-minute discovery call. Let’s talk.
Be First to Comment