Last week I shared 3 common mistakes that parents can make, 1) having little white space on the calendar, 2) having few shared meals together and 3) reversing roles. You can read it here.
Today I’d like to share three more common mistakes that parents make.
Mistake #1 – Treating Your Children the Same
While there is a place for shared values, traditions and even common expectations of our children in terms of behaviour or character traits, parents have a wonderful opportunity to recognize what makes their children unique.
Just like I’m sure you are very different from your spouse, it’s likely that your children are very different as well…and that’s a good thing…it’s something to celebrate not discourage.
My kids are very different. One’s a “home body” while the other has explored the world. One is more compliant, while the other, strong-willed. One likes routine, the other, adventure. One likes structure and rules…the other likes flexibility and pushing limits. One likes parties with lots of friends…the other, quiet nights with a few close friends & family.
I could go on. So could you.
Instead of, “Why can’t you be more like your brother”, as parents we should celebrate each child’s unique personalities, their individual interests and passions and help them discover who they are, why they are here and what they contribute to the world around them. For me, this is one of the most interesting and meaningful parts of being a parent.
Mistake #2 – Trying to Make our Children Happy
I’m not suggesting that we should make life miserable for our children. But we can’t make them happy all the time either. I’m just not convinced that our children’s happiness is really the point. There are times when we are sad, frustrated, even angry. It’s good to experience these things, not avoid them. It’s simply impossible to be happy all the time.
Plus, are we really saying, “Do what makes you happy?” Because when I was a teenager, I did that (at least I thought I did) and that lead to some terrible decisions that had lasting repercussions.
I believe making our children happy is the wrong focus and that happiness is not something to be pursued but seen as a by-product of making good choices and character…generosity, honesty, integrity, work ethic, compassion etc.
Happiness just doesn’t seem like a compelling aspect of parenting. Choose character over happiness.
Mistake # 3 – Not Modelling The Behaviour We Want For Our Children
There are many areas where parents can fail to model the behaviour they want to see in their children, but specifically I want to mention technology.
It’s no secret that technology has taken over our lives both professionally and personally. Families have multiple TV’s, computers and smartphones, and while we could argue their merits, and there are some, I believe that smartphones in particular have the potential to negatively impact our families.
We can be glued to our phones even when we are at home with other family members. We might even be known to say, “Get off your phone” but what about us? What are we saying to our children if we are talking on our phones, or responding to every notification while they are in the room?
Children are looking for answers to questions like, Do I matter to you? Am I loved? Am I safe? Do I have something to contribute? I’m afraid our inattentiveness, especially our obsession with our phones is giving the answers they don’t want to hear and having a lasting negative impact our our kids.
Children want our full attention, not our intermittent reactions.
In our home phones were not allowed at the supper table or when we played family games. Even a phone on the table face down says, I’m not fully present and could be distracted away from you at any moment. I think it is dangerous to assume this pattern has no negative, long term affect on our children.
Make family time, family time.
Treating our children the same, trying to make our children happy and not modelling the behaviour we want for our children are three mistakes any of us can make…but we don’t have to.
These and many more are addressed in my new book Unplanned Parenthood. You can get your copy here.
Feeling stuck? Not sure what to do next? Your life not where you want it to be? Life coaching can help. Contact me for a free 45-minute discovery call. Let’s talk.
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