Does Your Marriage Suffer From The “Pink Floyd Syndrome”?

Kathy and I recently celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary in Antigua, a very generous gift from our kids. We had a great time, unwinding, walking the beach, sleeping mid-afternoons, eating incredible food and enjoying not having any responsibilities for 11 days…it was awesome.

But of course, living on a beachfront resort with nothing to do but eat & sleep isn’t the real world is it?

Over the years I’ve counselled hundreds of couples. Although I enjoy this work, the challenge is by the time they come to see me, they are often questioning whether to stay married; they are in a tough place, a place where they’re just not sure they want to go on.

I get it, marriage is hard work and it can be a real struggle. There’s no perfect relationship and ours certainly hasn’t been either.

There are numerous reasons why a marriage goes sideways. You might think that most marriages break down and come apart because of an affair. While affairs are all too common, I’m not convinced they are the most common reason marriages end.

Sure they may happen, but there is one pattern that I see over and over again that almost always precedes the devastating reality of an affair.

I call it the Pink Floyd Syndrome.

If you’re old like me then you probably remember the song, “Another Brick in The Wall”. This is what I often see happening in marriages…let me explain.

Differences of opinion and conflict are a natural (and I would argue necessary part) of a healthy relationship. Lets call these things offenses…your partner says or does something that offends you….you do the same to your partner. It’s going to happen. The problem isn’t that we offend our spouses, it’s what we do with those offenses that can become the problem.

Here’s one typical pattern I see.

Your spouse offends you…this results in hurt feelings…you tell our spouse that you have been hurt…they respond with indifference, passiveness or defensiveness. You step up your need to be heard, you raise your voice, maybe throw in some criticism or sarcasm to make your point…your spouse gets even more defensive and retaliates with their own criticism and sarcasm…now you’re off to the races…an hour later you’re no closer to dealing with the original offense and you’re angry, resentful and exhausted.

Sound familiar?

Here’s another pattern I see…

Your spouse offends you…you don’t bother saying anything…you keep it to yourself…but you still end up feeling hurt, resentful and exhausted.

Here’s my point.

Every offense that does not get heard and dealt with properly usually becomes a little brick. Not a big brick, I mean in the greater scheme of things it’s hardly worth talking about…right? But it’s a brick. So you lay it down.

The next offense that doesn’t get resolved in a healthy manner becomes another small brick. It gets placed next to the first one you laid down. And over time, every offense and hurt that isn’t faced head on begins to build..a row at first. Then another and another. Eventually, (this can take months or years) these bricks have formed a wall and you wake up one day feeling like you’re living with a roommate not your spouse…but you just can’y figure out why.

The wall gets built with every brick that you place on it. Eventually you may not even feel you have a relationship anymore. You can’t even see the other person, the wall is so high.

What is going on here, is that the relationship loop is never closed and as long as offenses are not dealt with, the wall grows and the relationship weakens.

Close the Loop

To prevent the wall from getting high between you and your spouse, you must learn to close the loop. Closing the loop will help you from placing bricks onto the wall in the first place.

Here’s how that might look.

Your spouse offends you..you share this with your spouse…they listen and try to understand (although understanding isn’t always a requirement) how they have hurt you…they take responsibility for the hurt…they acknowledge their hurt and ask for forgiveness…you offer forgiveness…and the brick disappears.

Here’s how that might sound…

Offended spouse: “Bob, can I share something with you?”

Spouse: “Sure, what’s on your mind.”

Offended spouse: “I really enjoy hosting dinner parties together like last night, but when you said (fill in the blank) to George, I felt criticized and even made fun of. I felt embarrassed in front of our guests and when that happens I feel like I can’t trust you in those situations and makes me want to host parties less often.”

Spouse: “I’m sorry for the comments I made to George. I was trying to be funny but I shouldn’t do that at your expense. I can appreciate that you felt embarrassed even if that wasn’t my intent. I’m sorry for the way I disrespected you, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?”

Offended spouse: “Yes, of course, I forgive you. Thank you.”

You may think what I’m sharing is too simplistic, but I don’t think it is. These types of offenses can lay the foundation of walls of conflict and over time build to heights that make it seemingly impossible to restore your marriage.

It’s not rocket science, but it’s difficult in real time, in the heat of the moment, when you are tired and would rather avoid or ignore these offenses altogether.

But ignore these offenses at your peril.

Want a remedy for the Pink Floyd Syndrome? Close the loop.

• Share your feelings honestly with your spouse (without criticism, screaming or sarcasm)
• Use a “When you do this, I feel this and that results in…” formula…it may feel artificial at first but it’s a healthy way to express our emotions in a way that builds the relationship not destroy it.
• Hear your spouses hurt feelings and acknowledge your part in causing them.
• Be willing to genuinely say “I’m sorry, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?”
• Forgive your spouse and let it go.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs…be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other…”  Ephesians 4: 29, 32

Too simple? Don’t think it will work?

There is something profound that happens when conflict is resolved this way. Forgiveness ultimately closes the loop and prevents a wall from being built.

What do you think? Does your marriage suffer from the Pink Floyd Syndrome? Think you can begin to close the loop?

Feeling stuck? Not sure what to do next? Your life not where you want it to be? Life coaching can help. Contact me for a free  45-minute discovery call. Let’s talk.