Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been highlighting a number of mistakes commonly made by parents, and you may be wondering how long this mini-series will go on, or if I will run out of mistakes to write about. The truth is I could probably devote the remainder of this year to address common parenting mistakes…in large part because I’ve made so many myself.
But these posts aren’t intended to demoralize you (or me for that matter) but to simply take an honest look at the ways we parent and consider alternatives.
So here are three more common mistakes parents make…
(1) Neglect Your Marriage
I would go as far to say that parents should see their marriage as the most important relationship in the home, even though I get pushback on this from time to time.
Prioritizing your marriage does not mean ignoring or neglecting your children. It also doesn’t mean that you will devote equal or more time to your marriage than your children. Prioritizing your marriage isn’t about the quantity of time in relation to raising your children, but how intentional you are about nurturing your marriage with the time you have.
Chances are, you are with your children more than your spouse, especially in the early years. All the more reason to set aside time with your spouse whether it’s a few minutes at the end of the workday or a regular date night or shared hobby.
“We’ll focus on the kids for now and when they are older or out of the house we’ll reconnect” is a common refrain I hear, but it’s a bad plan.
Here’s 2 reasons why…
- The best gift you can give your children is a strong, loving marriage. You not only model a good marriage for them, you create a place of safety for your kids. No matter what happens outside of your home, whether at school or with friends etc, home is a place where they will feel safe, loved and secure. Especially if mom & dad are good.
- Kids are transient…at least they should be. If you neglect your marriage for the 18+ years your child is home, you risk being alone when their gone…even if you stay married. It’s tough to rekindle a relationship after years of neglect and it could take a lot of money to get the help you need to do so. Your spouse may be the only person that is by your side throughout every stage of your adult life; don’t take them for granted…and don’t assume they’ll be there for you decades later.
(2) Believe the Myth That Every Teen Rebels
Years ago I had a client, a wife, who routinely picked up her husband from the airport after his business trips. But these reunions rarely went well. She told me he was always tired and grumpy and didn’t always seem happy to see her, which usually led to awkward silence or a heated exchange.
She went on to explain that she was anxious and uncertain as to how to approach him, given the awkwardness that usually ensued. So I asked her, “How would you act if you anticipated that your husband was going to be happy to see you and your reunion would be marked by a loving embrace and shared stories as you got caught up with each other?”
She said, I would walk faster or run when I saw him, I would smile and wrap my arms around him and just say, “Welcome home, it’s good to see you.”
My suggestion was simple. I said, next time you pick up your husband at the airport, act on the assumption he’s glad to be home and to see you, and do those things you said you would do.
The next airport pickup went very differently. She told me that when she saw him, she smiled at him, ran to him, put her arms around him and told him how happy she was to see him. She then proceeded to tell me that he in turn gave her “the biggest hug she got in a long time.” He kissed her like he meant it and they had a wonderful conversation on the drive home.
Later, together they realized that he was anticipating the airport with the same anxiety she was, assuming she was going to be tired and grumpy. They discovered that their anticipation dictated how they related to the other and actually perpetuated their fears of how would it go.
This is what is commonly referred to as the “Law of Expectation”.
The law of expectation basically says, that you will never get more out of life than what you expect. If you expect small things, you get small things. If you expect big things, you get big things.
If you expect a rebellious teenager, you will likely have a rebellious teenager living in your house.
It’s easy to assume things about our kids…like they will be terrible two-year-olds or that when they turn 13 they won’t like their parents anymore and will only grunt and slam doors.
Much of what we believe about our kids, will influence how we act. Not every teenager rebels and it would be a mistake to assume they will. If you do, you will look for any sign that will support your misconceptions and impact how you relate to them.
Sure the toddler years and the teenage years can be challenging…any year can be…but they can also be wonderful years you don’t want to miss.
(3) Going It Alone
One of the greatest blessings for us as parents is having other trusted people in our children’s lives. Teachers, youth leaders and family & friends have all had a significant impact on our kids and we could be more appreciative.
Just this past weekend I thanked someone who has been a part of my son’s life…she was an encourager and someone who took a real interest in his life. When he was home over Christmas they got together over a coffee to catch up.
How awesome is that!
And here is one reason why it is so important to have other voices in your child’s life.
The Law of Familiarity.
The law of familiarity basically says that the more time you spend around a person, place or thing, the less likely you are to appreciate those things.
If you’re a business owner, lead a large organization or team of some kind…then you probably communicate quite a lot to them. But if you are the only voice they hear, day after day, week after week and year after year, eventually they will hear less and less from you. They might take you for granted or tune you out more often, because they’ve heard it all before. They’ve heard you before.
Sometimes someone else can come along and say the very same thing you’ve been saying, but it’s heard in a fresh way because it’s a fresh voice.
Not just any voice will do.
Be intentional and selective. But welcome them, don’t see them as a threat to you. Celebrate them and appreciate them.
So there you have it…
- Neglecting your marriage
- Believing myths about teenagers
- Going it (parenting) alone
3 more mistakes we parents commonly make, but also what we can do to avoid them in the future.These and many more are addressed in my new book Unplanned Parenthood. You can get your copy here.
Feeling stuck? Not sure what to do next? Your life not where you want it to be? Life coaching can help. Contact me for a free 45-minute discovery call. Let’s talk.
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