Life is a Series of Goodbyes: At What Cost Do We Avoid That?

My dad died 22 years ago today. He was 54.

I think about him often and especially now as I turned 54 a couple of weeks ago. It’s strange to think that I’m the same age he was when he died. I’ve missed him for sure but what I miss the most is that my children never really knew him and can’t remember him at all. Alex was 8 months and was Megan about 2 when he passed away and as we approach the holiday season, that makes me a little sad I guess.

I’ve often joked that my goal in life is to honour my dad by making it to 55. I’m going to do all I can to get there; make wise decisions, eat well, exercise etc. Hey, I know I could get hit by a train today but that’s out of my control. 

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A couple of months ago, completely out of the blue our dog began acting weird. As Kathy and I watched TV together Abby began pawing at Kathy, and trying to stand up but couldn’t. Her eyes were darting back and forth and she was obviously distressed.

Google said she may have had a stroke, but we didn’t really know.

First thing the next morning we took her to the vet…to make a long story short, we had two options and the least objectionable was having her put to sleep. (I’m not sure where the phrase “put to sleep” originated, but anyway).

My daughter Megan and her husband Jason were with me and I called Kathy to tell her our choices. She had said goodbye to Abby earlier that morning assuming the worst might actually happen.

An hour later Abby was gone and I was heartbroken…we all were.

It’s crazy how close we can get to our pets…Abby was 13 years old and she was a part of our family. Working from home, I spent the most time with Abby too. She would sit under my desk while I worked, lay next to me in my reading chair and follow me around while I did outdoor chores.

Two months after she’s gone, I still come home thinking she’ll be running for the door waiting for me to chase her around the house. Weird eh? If you’re a pet owner you probably don’t think so.

What I do think is weird, is how many people have asked us, “Are you going to get another dog?” After my dad died, no one said, “Are you going to get another dad? Mind you some people did say some pretty lame things to me at the time.

I get it; most people don’t like to focus on grief, loss, pain or sadness and will do almost anything to avoid them, but at what cost? Would getting another dog alleviate all these things? Presumedly.

But I think it’s a mistake. A new dog, might be cute and lovable and fun, but it wouldn’t help us deal with the loss of Abby, it would only distract us from it.

Parent cue: To help your child grow up with emotional intelligence, help them embrace their emotions, not avoid them.

I came across a study recently suggesting that 60% of first-year college students were ill-prepared to handle the stress of school and wished their parents taught them how to better handle their emotions. In other words, they didn’t know what to do with the feelings they were experiencing in their new environment.

Perhaps how we respond to the loss of our pets is a clue and one of the many opportunities we have to teach our children well.  (Yes, I hear Crosby, Stills & Nash in my head right now too). If we don’t learn how to manage our emotions as children we likely won’t be any more successful at it as adults.

Have you ever done something like this when your child is hurting?

• Say, “Oh stop crying honey, it’ll be okay.”
• Say, “Hey, let’s go to the store…let’s get some ice cream.”
• Ask them how they are doing then fill in all the quiet space
• Overshare from your own experience and make it about you.

If you or your child is experiencing loss, here are few ideas you could consider instead:

• grief takes time; don’t short-circuit the process with distractions…like a new puppy
• be okay with the pain of sadness, loneliness and loss
• don’t mask pain with ice cream, shopping, drugs or a new puppy
• talk about it when you can…but don’t force it
• accept that it’s okay to laugh and cry
• emotional intelligence requires self-awareness…listen to what’s going on inside
• embrace your emotions, listen to them and share them with someone you trust

I’ve often said that life is a series of goodbyes. In fact, I remember when we first saw Abby bounding across the field toward us (and I knew we would be taking her home a few weeks later) I whispered to Kathy, “You realize that someday we’re gonna have to say goodbye to her.” I was already thinking of the outcome…I wonder what that says about me?

Anyway, 13 years later we did say goodbye to Abby and though it was sudden and sad, there are moments that I think she’s under my desk. She was a great dog, we loved her and now we miss her. And that’s okay.

Are we getting another dog? Probably not and that’s okay too.

Our kids need to develop skills to manage their energy and their emotions so they can cope with what life throws at them as they grow up. Their parents do too. The loss of a family member including a dog is an opportunity to teach our kids and model this for them. It will set them up for success when they eventually leave home.

I miss my dad…22 years has flown by and now his grandkids are grown up. Hopefully we’ve honoured him by the way we raised them. Yup, life is a series of goodbyes.

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Hey, just wanted to let you know that I wrote a parenting book that’s coming out soon and will tackle these issues and many others. More details to come.

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