Surprised by Grief…And How to Deal With It

Last week I was on a coaching call with a client and as usual he began to update me on things going on in his life; the action steps he had taken since our last call, what he had accomplished and the challenges he was facing.

Before too long he was using phrases like, “I’ve lost my motivation” and “I can’t seem to focus” and “I’m not sure what’s going with me right now.”

This client of mine works with his own clients in a clinical setting so I knew he’d relate to what I said. “John” (not his real name), I said, “It sounds to me like you are grieving.”

There was an extended pause and then he responded…”Of course! How did I not see that? I help other people all the time with their emotional issues and I couldn’t see it in myself.”

We spent the bulk of our session discussing what grief is, how it looks and feels, how he was experiencing it and what he could do to manage it.

Perhaps you can relate to my client.

• Maybe you’re not feeling quite right but can’t put your finger on why.
• Maybe you feel a pit in your stomach or a real ache in your gut.
• Maybe your energy levels are not what they normally are.
• Maybe you’re in less control of your emotions than you usually are.
• Maybe you’re thinking thoughts you never thought you would.
• Maybe you’re sleeping way more or way less than usual.
• Maybe you’re eating way more or way less than usual.
• Maybe activities that normally bring you joy and satisfaction just aren’t.

Does this sound familiar? Can you relate to any of these? I suspect that most of us are experiencing a level of grief due to the compounding losses we are facing, particularly in light of COVID-19.

Many of us are familiar with the stages of grief and I’ve included a diagram that outlines them for you. Simply recognizing these stages and where you might be in them can be helpful. You can begin to see that grief is a universal experience, that there are typical patterns to it and that there is hope even while in the midst of it.

I’d like to offer some additional suggestions that I hope will help you navigate the grief you may be experiencing today.

(1) It’s Not Up and To the Right

While the stages of grief is a helpful guide for you and those you might be caring for, be aware that these stages are not as clear cut as we’d like. It’s not like climbing stairs, one at a time, leaving one behind while reaching for the next until we’ve reached the summit.

The reality is it can be more like “three steps forward, two steps back.” For example you might think that you have moved beyond anger, then seemingly out of the blue those dark emotions return. It’s going to happen. The stages of grief are much more fluid and we can move forward and back at any point in the process. This itself can very frustrating and demoralizing but it’s better to be aware of it and accept that this is more accurate than “up and to the right.”

 (2) It’s Not Really About Anger

Anger is what most experience after shock and denial. But when it comes to our emotions, anger, like frustration and irritation are actually secondary emotions. They follow and often times mask primary emotions because by their very nature are easier to identify with.

But if you are experiencing a secondary emotion, and you will, let them be a clue that there are deeper more significant emotions at work. Take the time to identify what they might be. Maybe you’re feeling scared, disappointed, sad, hopeless, anxious or embarrassed.

In my experience these are much harder to identify and even harder for some to want to face head on. But this is a much healthier approach than simply focusing on anger and frustration. Primary emotions are worth recognizing and talking about, with someone you trust.

Ironically, the more honest you are with your anger and frustration, seeing them as clues to deeper primary emotions, the sooner you will move through them.

(3) Don’t Go Around It

One of the most harmful things we can do as we grieve is to do whatever we can to avoid it altogether. This may seem like a prudent decision in the beginning but it never works and almost always makes things worse.

Avoiding pain seems the logical thing to do, but the more we try to avoid it, the more  it will ramp up and potentially overtake us. There are countless ways in which we can attempt to avoid or at least numb the pain of grief.

Such as when…

• One drink turns into four or five.
• We give up our morning routine and sleep in instead.
• We eat more but less healthy options.
• Excessive exercise. Yes, you can over do it.
• We shop…maybe online but we shop. “Retail therapy” has been coined as a fun, harmless activity but it’s not.
• We binge watch TV and Netflix. This was already an unhealthy habit many people long before the Coronavirus…and it’s still not a great choice.

I been asked before if there really is such a thing as an addictive personality and I always respond with “yes…we all have one.” I think anyone of us has our go-to addictive behaviour tucked away in our back pockets and we can go there at any time. Mine might look different from yours but it’s there.

Whatever it is, it won’t help, it will only hinder. Whatever you do, don’t try to avoid your grief, it will only compound it.

(4) Didn’t See That Coming

I’ve worked with many individuals going through separation and divorce and one of the things we talk about is the idea (similar to #1) I call getting ambushed with emotions.

You might be having a pretty good day, then out of the blue, a song or memory or acquaintance triggers some deep emotion once again and bam, you’re slammed with sadness, hurt and anger…AGAIN! And since you thought you were past these you get discouraged thinking that you’ve just gone right back to square one, starting over again.

We can get ambushed with emotions because the unexpected losses continue to mount as well. We can’t possibly be aware of the losses we will experience all at once. They come at us in waves or a trickle but they keep coming…new losses we have to come to terms with.

This is a common occurrence for those dealing with the loss of a spouse but as you process all that is currently happening to you, in your family, in your community, in your country and around the world you will likely get ambushed too…so just be prepared and see it for what it is.

Is That It?

Okay, so maybe you’re thinking, great, it’s helpful to recognize and understand that I might be grieving and seeing the stages as a guide is great too, but what else can I do to help myself while I’m grieving?

Here are some suggestions that can help us all as we embrace this new reality.

1.  Make a determined choice to take care of yourself. Make healthy food choices the norm and sweets and junk food the exception. Get some sleep. Do your best to get at least 7.5 hours of sleep. (five, 90-minute sleep cycles). Get some exercise. Sure the gym is closed but bodyweight exercises like pushups, squats and burpees are still great ways to stay fit….and you can do them anywhere.
2. Get some fresh air. Our mobility is limited but a walk around the block can do wonders for your well-being.
3. Limit screen time. I know with so much extra time at home sitting in front of screens is tempting. Go ahead and watch a few extra shows, but how about breaking up your screen time by reading a book or playing a board game. These simple activities can do way more than you might think for your mental health.
4. Write letters. This may be a lost art but I appreciate that my adult kids write letters to each other, other family members and friends. The act of writing itself with pen and paper can be calming, unlike typing on a computer, like I’m doing now.
5. Start a project you’ve been putting off.
6. Guard your mind. I would offer this suggestion at any time but especially now, to guard what you feed your mind. One way you can do this is to limit your access to news outlets, whether cable news or social media channels. You can probably get all the information you need on a daily basis in 5-10 minutes.  But if you are spending countless hours in front of CNN or CBC you are doing yourself a disservice. Mainstream media makes it’s living on sharing bad news and even embellishing the news to fit their political spin. If you want to manage your grief, not to mention your overall mental health, minimize how much news you are taking in. Instead read quality books, listen to inspiring music or podcasts.
7. Ask the bigger questions. The last funeral I officiated was for a family I didn’t know. The grandfather had passed away and I visited the home to meet the son and grandsons to discuss the arrangements. The first thing they said to me was, “We don’t believe in God, the bible is filled with fairy tales and we think the church is a joke.” I was a little surprised but I smiled and laughed a little too. So I asked the obvious question, “Why did you ask me to lead the funeral service then?” They replied that their grandfather went to church so they thought they should honour him with a church service. “Fair enough” I said. To make a long story short, after the funeral service and graveside internment, I met one last time with the family and they expressed their gratitude for my help. They even called me later and sent me a nice card in the mail weeks later too. All that to say, even if you normally don’t think about God or faith; in times of great distress or loss, most do. As a Christian, we are in the most important season as we anticipate Easter weekend which serves as a reminder of the death and resurrection of Jesus…without which, our faith is useless. One of the things we have talked about as a family is what it means to trust God, even when life seems out of control and the future seems so unclear. Being a Christian means trusting the One who created the world and died for it, rather than trusting the world itself. Easier said than done sometimes for sure. It doesn’t mean we escape the storms life brings but that He is with us in them. Ultimately, our hope isn’t in this world at all. I know that may sound like fairy tales to some of you, but I encourage you to ask the bigger questions that we are usually too busy to consider.
8. Consider the opportunities this season gives you. I know it can get tiresome to constantly hear about all the good that can come during a time when people are losing jobs, their savings, their health and even their lives due to this virus. My wife says I’m a very positive person and I try to be, but even that gets hard and I want to slap the guy upside the head who keeps pushing his “Make lemonade out of lemons” philosophy. Having said that, this difficult season does give us the chance to consider the kind of changes we’d like to make in our lives or the goals we’ve been reluctant to set. I’ve heard it said over and over that we will never return to normal, but a new normal. But my fear is that we will actually return to our overcrowded calendars, overspending, stressed-out lives in short order and once things to “return to normal” they won’t be new at all.
9. What can you do for someone else? One of the greatest things we can do for ourselves is to care for others and simple gestures can be significant. Maybe increased compassion, generosity and selflessness will be one outcome of COVID-19. But we can start right now. Our frontline workers are heroes, but you don’t have to be a doctor or nurse to be a hero to someone. We can all do something good for someone.

We’re In This Together.

Shortly after my dad died, I visited his grave, still heavy and trying to come to grips with his loss. As I sat next to his grave marker I remember noticing the traffic going by the cemetery. It was a busy street and all I could think was, “How can all these people just go on as if nothing has happened? Don’t they realize my dad just died?” I felt so sad and alone in that moment….and for a long time after that. But this season is different. You and I are not alone. We’re all in this together. Even in our isolation and social distancing we are still in this together.

If you need help…ask for it.

If you can offer help…give it.

We’re all grieving…in our own way, for our own reasons. Let’s not avoid it, rather, lets embrace it…learn from it and grow from it.

Q. How are you doing? How are you grieving? How can I help? Who can you help?