Last week I shared about a wall that will inevitably ruin your relationship. It’s a wall built with unresolved conflict; it’s a wall that if allowed to grow and expand over time can lead to hurt, disappointment, despair and even divorce. You can read about it here.
In my counselling office I’ve seen the impact of these walls far too often and for some couples the wall seems too big to scale over or break down.
But what if there was a wall that couples could build that could actually improve their marriage? A wall if designed and created in such a way, that it would prevent the destructive wall (the wall built on unresolved conflict, hurt, dark emotions, resentment & unforgiveness) from taking hold in the first place.
What if couples learned to build a wall around their marriage instead of a wall between them?
A wall that protected them from the things that could harm them. A wall that established the kind of relationship that they they really wanted rather than a wall that reflected a relationship they didn’t.
What would that kind of wall look like?
Here are a few suggestions for how you might begin to build a wall of protection around your marriage.
Learn a New Language
Author Gary Chapman wrote a book called, “The 5 Love Languages”. In it he shares a simple concept that each of us has a particular love language that we gravitate to; our primary love language. When love is expressed to us in our primary love language we obviously feel loved. My love language is “acts of service” while my wife Kathy’s love language is “words of affirmation”. Although she has said that she likes all 5 equally so it changes from day to day….man I have to stay on my toes.
The challenge here is that we tend to want to love our spouse in our love language not theirs. Words mean little to me. I’ve joked often that words are cheap…which doesn’t always go over well when Kathy tells me she loves me. But for her, words mean everything. So I need to choose to express love to her with my words. Why? Because it’s her love language. Equally, when Kathy makes ma cup of coffee or prepares a nice meal, that’s love to me.
Maybe you have to learn a new language; your spouses love language.
Follow Through on Your Promises
I pulled out my little black book (no not that kind of black book) it’s a book that contains many of the wedding ceremonies I officiated over the years.
Do you remember yours? Are you actively and intentionally living and loving your spouse the way you promised, 10, 20, 30 years ago? If not, maybe it’s time for some review.
“I take you ___________ to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health to LOVE AND TO CHERISH (OH OH) from this day forward, until death do us part.”
Does that sound familiar? At least something like it? Were those just words you repeated and reneged on or a promise you plan to keep?
With virtually every couple I counselled before their marriage I challenged them to take their commitment seriously…but I often suspected that their infatuation was taking priority. Unfortunately, infatuation and the feelings associated with it last maybe 12-18 months. Then what?
It’s Good To Share
A healthy marriage is built on shared values. What were the things that brought you and your spouse together? Do you have shared values today? Consider your free time, your money, debt, health & recreation, the kids, extended family etc. These things can be significant points of conflict or they can be things that bring you together.
Talk about them. What’s important to you and your spouse? It’s been said that your calendar and bank accounts already reflect what’s most important to you…how can they reflect your shared values?
Do More Good Than Harm
Everything we do and say either adds to our marriage or takes something away from it…it either helps it or harms it…we can make an emotional deposit or a withdrawal.
Willard Harley author of “His Needs, Her Needs” identifies 10 emotional needs commonly found in marriages. Things like affection, domestic support, honesty and recreational companionship. He also identifies what he calls “Love Busters” the things that take away and harm our marriages. Things like angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements and annoying habits.
Every day we can choose to meet the needs of our spouse, adding to their emotional bank account or engage in things that make a withdrawal. Harley suggests it takes 5 deposits for every withdrawal for the relationship to remain in a healthy place.
Consider yesterday. How many deposits did you make and how many withdrawals? Is your relationship flush or in overdraft?
And that’s just one day. If yesterday is repeated today, tomorrow, the next day and so on, will your marriage be better in 6 months or worse off?
Are you building a wall between you or around you? Are you becoming emotionally distant brick by brick or are you actively protecting your marriage from those things that will do harm?
Instead of building a dividing wall of unresolved conflict filled with hurt and resentment we can build walls around our marriages that protect.
- Discover and communicate your spouses love language.
- Follow through on your promises.
- Share your values and live them out.
- Do more good than harm.
What do you think? What is one thing you can do today that will add to a wall of protection around your marriage?
Feeling stuck? Not sure what to do next? Your life not where you want it to be? Life coaching can help. Contact me for a free 45-minute discovery call. Let’s talk.
Be First to Comment